"S" is for Sunday.

I turn your photos at all angles.
Upside down, sideways, longways, backwards.
I try to get inside of them.
I try to touch your dimensions.
Today, you really are gone.
I miss you so much my heart breaks.
It is not beautiful today.
It is not a sweet sadness.
It is frantic, and felt through gritted teeth.
In moments, I want to cry out the worst words.
But, I do it silently, mouth open, but no sound.
You can't hear me say those things.
I pray you are watching me.
Knowing how much I miss you.
If I knew all along you would die,
I would be pregnant with you again.
Just to have those moments of holding you.
I would do it right.
I would kiss you like I kiss your sister.
In the soft hollow under the chin.
I would kiss and weep into the palms of your hands.
I would take beautiful photos.
I would know then what I know now.
That more than two years later,
It would hurt like it was yesterday.
That missing you would feel like
My organs were being ripped from my body.
Worse than that.
I would know that nothing feels worse.
I would know for sure that I would never be the same.
I would prepare for this agony.
I would drink in your soft skin.
I would remember your baby shoulders.
I would have brushed your long hair.
I would have dressed you so gently.
I would have held you until the nurse begged to take you away.
I would photograph you from all angles.
So that I could never forget the way your
Neck met your baby chest.
I would plaster my house with the pictures of you.
I would show them to everyone I meet.